Mosaic of Grace

MOSAIC OF GRACE: Set Free & Satisfied

I stand before you today, a sinner saved by His limitless grace, a broken, wounded soul healed by His lavish Love and a sister who has been set free by the One Who was born to redeem and set the captives free. Many months ago when Brooke asked me to share my story, I was initially hesitant but God had been doing a work in my heart over the last 2 years and I knew it was time to share this story and I was eager to boast about the work of Jesus Christ. Around the time Brooke asked me to share was also around the same time I began dealing with an atypical chronic migraine. Back in March, the migraine lasted 10 days however, as of now, and even though I thought for a brief few hours the migraine was gone, this 2^nd migraine has lasted 78* days. As you can imagine, over the last 78* days, I have experienced some of the darkest moments of my life. However, this chronic pain took me on a journey with God that I believe was totally necessary for my testimony and this freedom story to be all that HE wants it to be. The medieval Spanish mystic St. John of the Cross wrote about the “dark night of the soul” when everything is stripped away from you. This is essentially what I have experienced, however, in the stripping away, I’ve discovered the True Treasure and what truly sets us free. And like Job, I too can now say, “my ears had heard of You but now my eyes have seen You. “ Job 42:5  

So Today I am here to testify of the transforming power and greatness of God. In the story of my life and the transparent sharing of my trials and victories, it is my deepest desire for you to see the restoring work that’s been done by Jesus. I hope these snapshot stories will serve to magnify nothing of myself but only magnify and exalt the true transforming work of God. At no time, do I want the messy places of my life to have the majority of the focus nor do I want any praise or glory. In the book Glorious Ruin: How Suffering Sets You Free, Tullian Tchividjian reminds us "God is the One to be praised, not our transformation." Praise the One Who has pursued my heart and the One Who has done the work. Each broken piece of my story may seem too cracked and fragmented for any healing or restoration to occur but NEVER under estimate the Matchless and Mighty power of Jesus. In the Hands of the JESUS, these ugly places of my story are being made into a beautiful mosaic of grace. This brokenness and complete surrender that He has brought me to, especially through this recent pain, has been like an awakening in my soul and my souls longing is for you to clearly see the mosaic of grace that He has beautifully created. I want you to see the broken pieces and then praise the Father for the mending and healing. I want you to know it is possible to live a life of victory and freedom no matter how broken or shattered a history you may have. No matter what anyone has done or despite how deep the chasm of pain or that scar that's marred or defined your every step and breath, know IT IS POSSIBLE. It's possible because of Jesus, who is the Healer of all our souls, to walk a life of complete freedom regardless of your past, present or even your future. Jesus' death on the Cross paid it all and He enabled IT ALL. He put on flesh and dwelt among us so that He would be the One, so broken. He would be the One to truly suffer and the One so deeply wounded, and on that old rugged Cross our victory was secured. Through Him we have the power to be OVERCOMERS and because of Him, we can be COMPLETELY healed and restored of all our brokenness and live lives as Sisters who are set free.

 

So to begin, I have entitled this first section of my testimony after the Rolling Stones song “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”. Beth Moore wrote, “God surpasses our dreams when we reach past our personal plans and agenda to grab the hand of Christ and walk the path He chose for us. He is obligated to keep us dissatisfied until we come to HIM and HIS plan for complete satisfaction.” For the most part, my freedom journey began 2 years ago with the Nancy Guthrie book based on the book of Hebrews entitled Hoping For Something Better from our FOCUS bible study here at NEPC. I read the title and turned the book over and continued to read the description, “Do you ever wrestle with a nagging sense of disappointment…that life isn’t what you thought it would be? That you aren’t who you wanted to be? Do you find yourself longing for something better?” To every question I answered a resounding and convicting, yes!! My life was nothing I thought it would be. I had a fairly “normal” although at times rocky childhood and was raised by my step-dad and mom and had a brother and sister and lived in the suburbs. I went to college, married my high school sweetheart and was a stay-at-home-mom, mostly by choice.  Over the last 5 years or so it felt like I was just going through the motions of life and I was becoming full of discontentment, not only with myself, but also with God. Despite the blessings of 3 beautiful and healthy children and despite the enormous gift and blessing of having my husband cured from cancer, there was a HUGE battle of discontentment taking place in my heart.

 

When I was in college, I was an A+ list maker. I would sit down and make lists of all the things I wanted to accomplish. I was highly ambitious, goal-oriented, very independent and confident. However, years later, that list became like a 2-ton gorilla on my back. The list mocked me and, in my eyes, defined my worth. Barely one thing on the list had become a reality, and I was consumed with who I was not and considered myself a loser. Obviously in my mind, my plans were not God’s plans. Instead, God’s plans for my life included infertility, twice, a heart breaking miscarriage, my husband being diagnosed with Leukemia when our first son was born, 2 years of cancer treatment for my husband, constant financial hardships and near bankruptcy, constant health issues and many surgeries for my middle son, constant health issues for me as well as surgeries, a professional rejection, the special needs and learning disability of my middle son, the death of my beloved mother-in-law from cancer, diagnosis of cancer for my mother, a strained relationship with my mother, gaining over 125 lbs and an inability to lose the weight, then when I was 35, I learned my father was bi-polar and committed suicide. My father was never talked about when I was growing up and I’d hoped maybe he was still alive and that maybe someday I would meet him. I never called a man Dad or Daddy but I call my Father God, Abba Daddy. He has loved me and made me whole and I am thankful that this broken place He has been healed and mended.

 

Obviously, I was extremely battle weary from one trial after the next. I looked around at others who seemed to have thin bodies and “easy lives” and longed for what I perceived as their “trial-free” life. However, we all know the trial-free, easy life is just a myth but I had convinced myself that I was the only one going through all this stuff. Even though John 16:33 says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” It felt like I was getting ALL the world’s trouble. I’m joking of course but sadly, I was so self-focused and self-absorbed, that it’s not too far from the truth. Clearly, there was a Spiritual battle happening. It’s like I was Rocky Balboa. I was bruised and bloody and I kept getting sent back into the ring to fight but I was just too exhausted and there was no chance I could win. I had trained well but after one too many sucker punches to the face, I was giving up. In the book Breaking Free, Beth Moore recommends one rule of thumb to achieving victory, she says, “Starve the flesh and feed the Spirit” but I was doing the exact opposite! I was feeding my flesh with self-pity and starving the Spirit and my dome was sure!!! I was fighting this Spiritual battle with “woe is me” and “why God?” or “You’re not enough God and I can’t trust You anymore.” Wow, was I in the pit of hopelessness, discouragement and self-entitlement!!! Thankfully, God lead me to this FOCUS study and Nancy Guthrie says “The book of Hebrews is an appeal for endurance in spite of difficulty, perseverance in the face of disappointment.” So clearly, this bible study came at the most perfect time in my life. Also at this time, God lead me to another book to use on my own along with the FOCUS Bible Study book.

 

In His perfect timing, He led me to the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Through her book, God showed me how my weak shallow faith and discontentment were all connected to an ungrateful and self-centered heart attitude. Ann writes, “When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows….The clouds open when we mouth thanks….Something always comes to fill the empty places. And when I give thanks for the seemingly microscopic, I make a place for God to grow within me.” So through the FOCUS study and the Ann Voskamp book, God revealed I was constantly wrestling with discontentment because I had an ungrateful heart attitude and I had made all those “things” on my list and even my constant frustration with losing or not losing weight, the top priority and more important than anything else. I love Jesus. I love God’s Word but I wasn’t truly treasuring Jesus. I was treasuring status. I was treasuring success. I was treasuring my abilities. I was treasuring weight loss and seeking my worth and value in all these things but I wasn’t truly, deeply, lavishly drinking from the well that will never run dry and treasuring Jesus Christ my Savior. I had been in bible study for years and I was a strong Christian and in years past, I had experienced areas of wonderful growth but at THIS particular time in my Christian journey, I wasn’t in the Word nor was I praying. I had isolated myself from my friends and I was a battle-weary Christian who was seriously discouraged and stuck in a desert wasteland. I was dry, empty and unsatisfied.

So, things hadn’t turned out the way I wanted and even more specifically, I hadn’t turned out the way I wanted. My extra weight had become a HUGE burden and an area of constant defeat. The weight and my inability to lose the weight hindered my Christian walk, affected my self-worth and held me captive in many ways. And it wasn’t all about being dissatisfied with my reflection in a mirror or the number on a scale. I knew I had an unhealthy relationship with food and the extra weight left me mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted. It was as if I was living in a spiritual prison and I knew God wanted to give me freedom over this weakness and victory over this idol. So finally, after years of consistently making the right choices and breaking toxic thought processes, I am slowly getting closer to my goal. This part of my freedom story hasn’t been easy or quick but it has been worth every pound gained and every pound lost. Through my weight loss struggle, I am stronger, not because I found my strength in a dress size or in a number on a scale but because I finally released the struggle and fully trust in the work of the Refiner's fire and the Love of my Savior to change me from the INSIDE OUT. No matter what I may look like, He calls me cherished, valued, redeemed and loved and I know the "before and after" of my soul is what concerns God and whatever that process may look like or require, I can say, “Lord, I am willing.” 

So now back to the hoping for something better - even though I had been through one trial after another and was seriously discouraged, I knew deep down what my soul was longing for but I was neglecting my soul. But Jesus was about to bless my socks off and show me the “something better” I had been hoping for wasn’t a job title, or a huge bank account or a gorgeous slim body (although I will continue to eat and be healthier), but HE was and is the “something better” and all that I was hoping for and longing for. Through this journey, He was refocusing my vison on Him and reminding me that He is all I need and He is the One who fills every void. I had been neglecting my relationship with Him but He was calling me back to Himself; His radical, extravagant grace was bringing me back to forgive my sins and flaws and begin a new work. Jesus is the only One Who can fill the emptiness and restore my joy. Jesus is my true treasure and I know He has the better plan. The chains of discontentment and an ungrateful heart have been broken and I now accept and embrace each trial and victory with thankfulness as Jesus’ plan and will for my life. I no longer want my way. I no longer lament any part of my story and I find my worth and identity in who HE says I am and desire for His glory to be displayed in my life. He has freed me from my “list” and selfishly wanting my way and as Ann Voskamp beautifully says, “apparent failures can be the way your Father births a successful faith.” Therefore, I will accept future trials and apparent failures as His way of birthing a new work and I will faithfully look to Jesus as I walk forward into the future, holding tightly to the faith lessons I’ve learned over the last 2 years.

 

 And before I move on to my last section, I would like to briefly mention my relationship with my mother. A few years ago, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer that had metastasized to both her lungs. The type of cancer she has is rare and is slow-growing and most likely; she will be on chemotherapy for the rest of her life. During the past few years, God has grown us closer together and He has softened my heart towards my mother and any wounds from our relationship have been healed through complete forgiveness. I had struggled for years with forgiving her or anyone who had deeply wounded or wronged me, whether family members, friends or even church members but I believe as Jesus works in our hearts and reveals to us our personal hindrances to the abundant life, He will stir in us a desire for complete healing and reconciliation in all areas of our life. I am so grateful God has given us both the gift of more time together and for the gift of healing our relationship.

 

And now for the last part of my testimony that I never anticipated; how suffering sets you free.  During the last 5 months, God has used pain and suffering to drive me to the foot of the Cross where I have experienced God’s all sufficient and sustaining grace, even on my darkest and most difficult of days. He has taught me to treasure the trial and through this journey I have found the words written by Tuillian Tchividjian to be completely true “Pain and suffering loosen our grip on this temporal life. Deeper suffering can lead to deeper surrender.” Therefore, I have entitled this last section “Satisfied to suffer with my Savior.” I am hesitant to write about my experience with my recent pain and suffering because I am so acutely aware and sensitive about the wide spread suffering of others. I have walked through cancer with my husband, mother in law, several dear friends and now my own mother. I lived on the 8^th floor of the oncology ward for a month when my husband was so gravely ill with leukemia and roamed the halls with my precious babe in my arms and I’ve looked deeply and compassionately into the eyes of those who were hopeless and crushed in spirit. I know my pain and suffering is not that of a cancer patient, however, I do know the pain and suffering I have experienced over the last 5 months, has taken me to the end of myself but to the absolute fullness of God.

How it all began. March 22, 2015 was my oldest son’s 15^th birthday and that morning I awoke with an intense pain at the back of my head. I also had some visual issues, ringing in my ear and vertigo. I took some medicine and continued with the day. Three days later, I would go to a Doctor’s Care. Immediately, the Dr insisted I go to the ER for a CT Scan. On Day 5 of the headache, I went to my Internist. She prescribed Topomax, an antibiotic for an ear infection and flexiril for increasingly tightening neck muscles. Finally on day 10 the headache vanished! Except now I was left with an inability to move my neck, intense shoulder and shoulder blade pain and on and on. So I went to my chiropractor and after 6 adjustments, I felt like a new woman! There was no pain anywhere and we even planned and successfully traveled to see some dear friends up in Ohio. Then on April 29^th, the migraine returned and except for a few hours of near zero pain on June 30^th, I have had this throbbing, pulsating, stabbing, radiating pain at the base of my head that spreads into my ear and over my head and into my temple for a total of 78* days. Every waking moment, the pain is there. I breath it is there.

 

Despite prescription pain medication and migraine meds, there is never a time I do not feel this pain. I have been to the ER twice, had 4 MRI’s, 2 CT Scans, 10 shots to my head, multiple doctor appointments, including a neurosurgeon and a neurologist, 10 chiropractic adjustments, and lots of shots for pain. I’m on more medication than my mother and she has cancer. I’ve officially been diagnosed with occipital neuralgia and my Dr is hopeful Botox injections will help me but He also says there is no guarantee. I’ve had many people look at me in disbelief to discover I am currently going through this type of chronic migraine (I blame it on the weight loss, haha) and that is simply because the pain has various levels of pain on different days. On the level 1-2 days, it’s like a party day. On the level 3-4 days, I grin and bear it and am able to do most of what I need and want to do. Then there are the level 5-6 days that kind of just make me want to withdrawal from the world and hang out at the house. Then there are the level 7-8 days that put me flat out in the bed. I do nothing. Everything hurts and life goes on without me. And then there are the level 9+ days and they are rare and beyond the worst. Several times I’ve ended up at the ER or at a Doctor’s office begging to receive shots or IV pain medication. Several of those level 9+ days have happened several days in a row when my husband was traveling and working late and I had no one to help with my children (and I am really bad about asking for help) – this happened on days 44 and 45. Trust me when I say, and some of you know this all too well, but chronic pain will drive you to the “edge of the ledge” and on day 45, this is exactly what happened to me.

 

It was around 2:30pm. I sent my best friend (who could not be here tonight, a text) She was always sending me texts of encouragement but that afternoon, I texted her that I couldn’t handle the pain anymore and all I had was this useless, pain filled life. She texted back that she was praying for me. A few hours later, around 9:00pm, with Andy still not home from traveling, I texted my precious friend again. I would like to keep the contents of that text confidential but within a few minutes, my dearest friend was on the phone praying with me and pouring truth filled scripture into my dark places. Normally, when I was feeling overwhelmed with pain I would saturate my mind with God’s Word and listen to uplifting and worshipful music, but this time I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t read the Word. I couldn’t listen to my music. The pain had taken over and it was all consuming. But my kindred friend, prayed for me when I could barely utter a sound. Her prayer went on and on and she prayed away the dark and the Light flooded in. The pain was still present but I could see my Savior suffering for and with me. Ann Voskamp says, “No matter how bad things get, no matter how black the dark seeps in, no matter the depths of the night – the dark can never travel as fast as Light. The Light is always there first waiting to shatter the dark” That night, the Light shattered the dark and I was brought to my knees in total and full surrender through my suffering.

That night I lived out the words in Psalm 107 – “They cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away the chains.” As never before at any other time in my life, I had come to the “edge of the ledge” but instead of throwing my life away because of the pain and suffering, I fell to the ground in worship and in full surrender in the midst of the pain and at the end of myself, was the beginning of God the chains of self-reliance and self-dependence were shattered!!!

 

Pastor Scotty Smith says that, “God will use pain in our lives to make us cry uncle so that we might cry Father. At first this doesn’t seem like an encouraging message but this is actually the radical goodness of a God who is not interested in a better you, but a NEW you. Often, as I shared earlier, our defeats and suffering can leave us hard and embittered, rather than teachable, surrendered and free but because of His grace, I fought hard through the pain to grasp the hem of His garment and I sat daily at His feet to soak up the promises and truth of His Word, EVEN on those days I didn’t FEEL like it. Through it all, God gave me countless blessings from His Word but one of the most precious verses is from 2 Cor 4:16-18 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” The past 5 months have radically changed my Christian walk and my heart’s condition like no other trial I have ever experienced – EVER. I have tasted and experienced the overwhelming goodness and full radiance of God. I am more in love with God’s Word. I am fully and completely surrendered to His plans. I am more in love with Jesus than ever before and KNOW that HE is ENOUGH. The Cross is ENOUGH. He didn’t just suffer for me, He suffers WITH me. I have more joy a fresh perspective on everything. I am passionately committed to having my life count for HIM and pray my life will always display the supreme worth of Jesus Christ. As of today, God hasn’t set me free from the pain BUT He has set me free THROUGH the pain and I know this pain and suffering has accomplished something in me that nothing else I’ve gone through before could have done.

We know the words of Phil 1:6 are absolute truth, “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” apparently God had a lot of heart renovating work to do but I know He is still writing my story and the mosaic of grace upon my life will continue. And to use one final quote from, Tullian Tchividjian, “God does not get things done in the world by merely adding a new coat of paint; He brings the house down to the foundation so He can build something new.” And God says “Behold I make all things new”…and even out of suffering, pain or maybe even from the deepest pit of depression or from the chains of addiction, betrayal, abuse or unforgiveness, God is writing your story and “in all these things we are more than conquerors” because of Jesus Christ and HE has given us the power tools to break and shatter any chain that holds you. Jesus came to set the captives free and HE can birth something beautiful out of any situation. And to quote Elizabeth Elliott- "of one thing I am perfectly sure- God's story never ends in ashes."