A Day to Remember

"And the God of all grace,
who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,
after you have suffered a little while,
will himself restore you
and make you strong, firm and steadfast."
1 Peter 5:10

It began with headaches, night sweats, fatigue and a rash. All four condidtions could be explained but never at any point did we think these symptoms were the cause of a serious illness...or even worse, cancer. Never, never, never! We had just had our first born son; that would explain the fatigue and headaches from lack of sleep. It was an unusually warm spring; that takes care of the night sweats. Andy had recently applied lawn fertilizer with a spreader that happen to spray the fertilzer all over his lower legs; that would explain away the "rash". Each symptom could be explained. Each symptom could be tolerated. Each symptom could be managed; that is, until Tuesday, May 16th, 2000. On this day, a new symptom that appeared a few days earlier could no longer be ignored nor could it be explained. On this day, everything changed. On this day, May 16th, my husband and I would discover how something that we thought wasn't even a possibility, could become our consuming reality.

Tuesday, May 16th, I awoke to the words, "I have to go to the doctor". Words spoken by my husband and words spoken in pain and with urgency. These were words, after a restless night of sleeping from due to gallbladder surgery, that I didn't fully understand, however, coming from my husband Andy, I knew these were serious words. Andy never went to the doctor for anything. In the 6 years we had been married, Andy had only been to the doctor once to have his wisdom teeth removed. He seemed impervious to every illness and was the healthiest person I knew. Even though I brought home every cough and cold from the students at my school, somehow, he was immune to everything and never got sick.....but now, he had an excruciating pain in his side and things were very different. The mysterious pain began 4 days earlier the morning of my gallbladder surgery. After days of caring for me and bravely trying to tolerate the discomfort, the searing pain finally proved to be too much and on the morning of May 16th, God directed Andy’s steps into the capable care of Dr. Peter Stahl.

Thankfully, Andy was able to get a morning appointment and after an exam, x-rays and the results of Andy’s blood work, Dr. Stahl immediately sent Andy to Dr. Leland McElveen. After his appointment with Dr. Stahl, Andy quickly came home to tell me about his appointment and said he was now going downtown to see a hematologist/oncologist. Ignorance truly is bliss because although I was extremely concerned, I didn’t panic simply because I didn't even know what those words meant or implied. Soon after Andy left for his appointment, I called my sister, the nurse. I told her about Andy’s earlier appointment and that he was now being sent to an oncologist. After those words, an awkward, uneasy silence hung in the air and my sister was unusually somber and quiet. She knew exactly what those words meant and she knew exactly what they implied, however, she told me just enough to give me information but not enough to make me "flip out". To this day, I am so thankful for her wisdom. She told me a hematologist/oncologist was a "blood doctor" who typically treated cancers like leukemia. "He doesn’t have leukemia", I said, "he has a pain in his side...what does that have to do with leukemia....?" Immediately, I dismissed the connection, however, in the next several hours and days, we would learn how seemingly unrelated signs and symptoms could all add up to the same unavoidable conclusion.

That afternoon, time passed by slowly. My last conversation with Andy had been over 3 hours earlier and my fear and anxiety began to swell. Why hadn’t he called? What was going on? My mind was spinning out of control. I tried to convince myself that, "no news is good news and if something was wrong, he would’ve called". Even still and despite my pep talk, I could not ignore the sinking feeling deep down and I knew I needed to prepare myself for the truth. Accustomed to self sufficiency and independence, I did everything I could to preoccupy my thoughts and busy my hands....I constantly called Andy’s cell phone, I repeatedly checked our phone to make sure it wasn’t off the hook, I folded clothes, I cleaned house, and even took baby Andrew for a brief walk, but sadly, praying and surrendering my burden to the Lord, at that time, was the furthest thing from my mind. Unable to handle the waiting and worry, I picked up my keys, instead of picking up my Bible, and headed to the grocery store.

After the distraction of our shopping trip, I loaded up the car and headed back home. When we arrived home my eyes became fixed on my husband standing in the driveway. Once I saw him, my heart began to race. He looked pale and depleted. His strong confident frame looked weak and frail. I quickly got out of the car and my questions began..."What’s wrong?" I asked over and over. Instead of an answer, Andy, clearly in pain, replied "Let’s get the groceries and go inside. I’ll tell you then". I reluctantly agreed and once the bags and the baby were all unloaded, a rush of emotions took over and I began to cry, "What is it? Tell me, tell me!!!" And then, in a moment of calm desperation he spoke one word, "leukemia". I was instantly a puddle of tears and a wash of emotions. Leukemia? What's leukemia? With that one word, the puzzle was solved and life as we knew it changed in an instant. Our journey with cancer had begun.

May 16 was a day to remember and now, it's also a day I am very grateful for. Were I to live my life over, I would chose this trial, hands down, again and again. However, I would never choose it again for my husband. He was the patient and suffered and struggled greatly and I was only a helpless spectator. He endured countless bags of toxic chemotherapy, several blood transfusions, numerous painful bone marrow aspirations, surgeries, endless sizes and shapes of needles put here, there and everywhere. Even on the day he was diagnosed and after being told by Dr. McElveen to go to the hospital and be admitted, he willingly chose to endure a bone marrow biopsy without the aid of pain medication because he wanted to be able to drive home and tell me he had cancer in person. Even days after he was diagnosed and admitted, we found out that the source of Andy's side pain was coming from a cracked spleen and he was bleeding internally. Even a simple sneeze could have caused a brain hemorrhage and ended his life.

Thankfully, Andy is a long way away from being a newly diagnosed leukemia patient. Today, he is not only healthy and well but in 2005, he was told he was CURED! With that news, our hearts were overwhelmed with God's mercy and goodness and we will always rejoice and praise God for graciously protecting and sparing Andy's life. We came out on the other side of a devastating diagnosis and trial as witnesses to God's healing power. We saw His hand at work in so many tangible ways but we also recognize that He works in an unseen, intangible realm and in ways we will never fully know and understand this side of heaven. Today, even though the cancer may be gone, the memory of the experience stays with us but also the treasures from the trial remains with us too.

This journey was painful, heartbreaking, stressful, scary and overwhelming but ironically and eventually in the midst of the journey, I found abundant blessings and my faith and my trust in the God who made and reclaimed me, was radically transformed. On that day and in the days following Andy's diagnosis, God exposed what I didn't want to see, but what I desperately needed to acknowledge - my immature Christian walk and my mediocre faith. In her book "Breaking Free" author and bible teacher, Beth Moore writes, "The deeper you and I are rooted in the unfailing love of God, the less we sway when the winds of life blow harshly." I loved God and I kind of knew He loved me but I wasn't fully ROOTED and established in that love. In that one moment, when the harsh winds blew, I swayed violently and my shallow roots and crumbling foundation were revealed. I had become a complacent and comfy Christian. God knew I was merely going through the motions and neglecting my relationship with my first love. Despite the fact that I had given my life to Him years earlier, I was still calling the shots, and only keeping God on the side as a part-time consultant. For me, He was a God of convenience, and obviously, that wasn't enough.  I wasn't growing, I wasn't trusting and I wasn't following.  Even still, God wanted me back, the hound of heaven was calling me back. God spoke to my heart that He didn't just want to be my God but He was longing to be my Daddy, my Abba Father. Even though I wasn't the person with the physical cancer, I was the person with the spiritual cancer and God was now going to use this trial as His way of refining and restoring me into the godly woman He created me to be.

In the cancer, and despite the "blowing winds" of my doubts and fears, I came face to face with a God who is faithful, loving, compassionate, powerful, merciful, gracious, dependable, trustworthy, patient and forgiving and I know, that I know, that I know! He is a trusted companion and His promises aren't just for others but they are for me...they are for you. He IS faithful and we can trust that whatever He brings us to, He will get us through. He is continually redeeming all things to Himself and we can be confident that every trial and tear will be used for our greater good and for the purpose of restoring and transforming us into His likeness and for His glory. In Philippians the Apostle Paul writes, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus". He truly loves us too much to leave us as we are and as I discovered, He will use whatever method necessary to captivate and change our hearts. There may be pain and there may be loss but at all times, His is loving and in all ways, He is faithful.

Before my husband's cancer, my view of God was small and limited and my Christian walk was shallow, weak and conditional. Now, 13 years later, I have emerged from the trial with a new vision of His greatness and my faith and my love for my Abba Daddy, has totally been transformed. And it all began on a day I never want to forget and with the word, " leukemia".

"...but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him." John 9:3b