Leukemia and the Love Song

"I will proclaim the name of the Lord.

Oh, praise the greatness of our God!

He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just.
A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he."
Deuteronomy 32:3-4

He began with the words, "You really should sit down." My response was, "No! Tell me what’s wrong! The look on his face said it all without him saying a word and I was instantly a puddle of tears and a wash of emotions. I was not prepared to hear the word "Leukemia". I didn’t even know how to spell it...and I wasn’t exactly sure of what it was. The only response I could utter was "no, I love you too much, no.!" I was obviously not the strong tower my husband needed me to be. All I could do was ask, why? Why, after 3 years of struggling with infertility. Why, 6 weeks after the birth of our newborn son. Why, 4 days after major surgery....why? Hadn’t we been through enough.j? Why couldn’t we just enjoy our new baby and be happy, why God? At that moment, I immediately questioned God’s goodness and love. My spirit was wounded and my faith was weak. I felt forsaken and hopeless. I didn’t want to pray and I didn’t want God. As hard as it was to hear, the word Leukemia, was now a part of our vocabulary and everyday existence.

Later that same night, we packed up all of our things and with baby Andrew, headed to Baptist Hospital. Ironically, days earlier, I had been the one in the hospital having gall bladder surgery. I was the one always sick and Andy was always healthy. During my recovery from surgery, Andy took care of all my needs, including helping me sit and stand. Because of this, He would develop an intense, unexplained sharp pain in his side. Eventually, the severe pain would send him to the doctor and then one afternoon, he would be told, in the office of a stranger, he had Leukemia. Sadly, he would also endure the excruciating pain of a bone marrow biopsy without the benefit of pain killers or sedation because he wanted to drive home and tell me the news of his cancer face to face.

After our midnight arrival to the hospital, the reality of all that was happening began to hit me like a brick wall. I didn’t want any part of this journey but I also didn’t want to leave my husband. I was paralyzed with fear but also motivated by love. As we stepped onto the 8th floor, Andy was quickly taken to the cold, sterile surroundings of his hospital room. As soon as we arrived, the hospital staff quickly sprang into action. As each person came into the room, I became increasingly overwhelmed with a crippling anxiety that was raging in my soul and fueling my tears. Charles Spurgeon once wrote, "Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of it’s sorrows but only empties today of it’s strength." Strength was nowhere to be found. My constant sorrow was all I could see. My constant grief and the fear of possibly losing my husband, was all I could think and feel. I was in a deep dark fog of confusion and was quickly losing my ability to cope. I was blinded by my emotions and was already believing all hope was lost.

And so just like that, in the course of 24 hours, everything in our lives had changed. We’d gone from the joy of having our first son to the grief and panic of not knowing if my husband would ever see his son grow up. I stood before God and accused Him of being unfair, unloving and unconcerned with our situation. In the crisis my faith turned to fear and I doubted God  and every promise He had given. I was truly like Job and stood pointing my finger, until one night, God sat with me in my sorrow and hushed my accusations. On this particular night everything was unusually calm. On previous nights, Andy’s room was constantly filled with hospital staff, as well as friends and family. However, on this night, everyone seemed to be somewhere else. Our friends and family had left and even baby Andrew was enjoying a change of scenery and spending the night with grandparents’. Andy was taking a nap and for the first time, the room was calm and strangely quiet. Then in the stillness, I began calling out to God.

My body was weak from striving and very little sleep and my eyes were weary from the flood of tears and yet, I was thirsty and desperate to hear from God. I reached for my Bible and began to search and seek the Lord. In that moment, I was finally able to emerge from the smog of self pity and clearly see my Savior with renewed vision and sight. Tim Keller says, “Job never saw why he suffered, but he saw God and that was enough. That night Jesus showed me He was sufficiently enough. As He turned my eyes off our circumstances and back to His promises it became neon light clear - my gracious and loving Father had NOT abandoned me, Andy or my family! To the contrary! In each and every situation He was revealing His faithful provisions and lavish love for us. He want sending us into a storm without resources or protection. He was going into the storm WITH us and in that storm and through every procedure, every need, every fear, every doubt, every testing, He would be revealing every trustworthy attribute of His character. Finally,, He opened me eyes and I realized He was always there.. Even in the moment of my deepest despair, when I was weeping, so was He. He was the calm in my husband’s heart when he heard the word, "Leukemia" and when I couldn’t pray, He was interceding for us with moans and groans.  That night my Savior, motivated out of His deep love and compassion, sang to me a beautiful love song. His sweet melodies reminded me of His extravagant love and faithfulness. They confirmed His grace and mercy and they filled and renewed me with His peace and presence. Although, I felt shame and guilt for my lack of trust and failure of faith, He offered forgiveness and understanding. Then in the peace, His truths washed over me and I began to sing with conviction the words to the song "Do I Trust You" by Twila Paris.

"Sometimes my little heart can’t understand,

what’s in your will, what’s in your plan.
So many times I’m tempted to ask you why.

But I can never forget it for long,
Lord what you do, could not be wrong.

So I believe you, even when I must cry..."

From that moment on, I began to see God’s strong and sovereign hand guiding each and every situation of my husband’s cancer treatment and eventual cure. No longer did I question, why me, or why Andy? But rather, why not me...why not us? I had experienced God's never-ending grace and if the only thing He ever did for me or my husband was to die on a cross, I knew it would be enough, His grace would be enough. Jesus is enough. In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 it says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." The God of the universe sacrificed His Son so that I might live and have eternal life - so that you might live and have eternal life. This is such amazing and selfless Love and such undeserved and abundant Mercy!

This Leukemia journey was not a welcomed journey but it was a necessary one. I know whatever He calls me to go through will be used for a greater good and for the purpose of transforming me into his likeness. No matter the trial, I know each and every moment will be seen and orchestrated by my loving and gracious, Abba Father and He will use whatever means necessary to radically change and captivate my heart. At all times, His strength will be sufficient for the journey and ultimately, through and despite my weaknesses, the Lord Jesus Christ will be high and lifted up. May every trail and triumph bring Him glory and testify to the world that HE is a good God worthy of honor and praise! He is the gentle healer and does ALL THINGS WELL!  Before my husband's cancer, my view of God was small and my love for Him limited and conditional. Now, almost  13 years later, He has given me a new vision of His greatness and my walk and love for Him has been competely transformed. And it all began, with the sweet melody of a love song and with the word, "leukemia".