Mosaic of Grace

MOSAIC OF GRACE: Set Free & Satisfied

I stand before you today, a sinner saved by His limitless grace, a broken, wounded soul healed by His lavish Love and a sister who has been set free by the One Who was born to redeem and set the captives free. Many months ago when Brooke asked me to share my story, I was initially hesitant but God had been doing a work in my heart over the last 2 years and I knew it was time to share this story and I was eager to boast about the work of Jesus Christ. Around the time Brooke asked me to share was also around the same time I began dealing with an atypical chronic migraine. Back in March, the migraine lasted 10 days however, as of now, and even though I thought for a brief few hours the migraine was gone, this 2^nd migraine has lasted 78* days. As you can imagine, over the last 78* days, I have experienced some of the darkest moments of my life. However, this chronic pain took me on a journey with God that I believe was totally necessary for my testimony and this freedom story to be all that HE wants it to be. The medieval Spanish mystic St. John of the Cross wrote about the “dark night of the soul” when everything is stripped away from you. This is essentially what I have experienced, however, in the stripping away, I’ve discovered the True Treasure and what truly sets us free. And like Job, I too can now say, “my ears had heard of You but now my eyes have seen You. “ Job 42:5  

So Today I am here to testify of the transforming power and greatness of God. In the story of my life and the transparent sharing of my trials and victories, it is my deepest desire for you to see the restoring work that’s been done by Jesus. I hope these snapshot stories will serve to magnify nothing of myself but only magnify and exalt the true transforming work of God. At no time, do I want the messy places of my life to have the majority of the focus nor do I want any praise or glory. In the book Glorious Ruin: How Suffering Sets You Free, Tullian Tchividjian reminds us "God is the One to be praised, not our transformation." Praise the One Who has pursued my heart and the One Who has done the work. Each broken piece of my story may seem too cracked and fragmented for any healing or restoration to occur but NEVER under estimate the Matchless and Mighty power of Jesus. In the Hands of the JESUS, these ugly places of my story are being made into a beautiful mosaic of grace. This brokenness and complete surrender that He has brought me to, especially through this recent pain, has been like an awakening in my soul and my souls longing is for you to clearly see the mosaic of grace that He has beautifully created. I want you to see the broken pieces and then praise the Father for the mending and healing. I want you to know it is possible to live a life of victory and freedom no matter how broken or shattered a history you may have. No matter what anyone has done or despite how deep the chasm of pain or that scar that's marred or defined your every step and breath, know IT IS POSSIBLE. It's possible because of Jesus, who is the Healer of all our souls, to walk a life of complete freedom regardless of your past, present or even your future. Jesus' death on the Cross paid it all and He enabled IT ALL. He put on flesh and dwelt among us so that He would be the One, so broken. He would be the One to truly suffer and the One so deeply wounded, and on that old rugged Cross our victory was secured. Through Him we have the power to be OVERCOMERS and because of Him, we can be COMPLETELY healed and restored of all our brokenness and live lives as Sisters who are set free.

 

So to begin, I have entitled this first section of my testimony after the Rolling Stones song “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”. Beth Moore wrote, “God surpasses our dreams when we reach past our personal plans and agenda to grab the hand of Christ and walk the path He chose for us. He is obligated to keep us dissatisfied until we come to HIM and HIS plan for complete satisfaction.” For the most part, my freedom journey began 2 years ago with the Nancy Guthrie book based on the book of Hebrews entitled Hoping For Something Better from our FOCUS bible study here at NEPC. I read the title and turned the book over and continued to read the description, “Do you ever wrestle with a nagging sense of disappointment…that life isn’t what you thought it would be? That you aren’t who you wanted to be? Do you find yourself longing for something better?” To every question I answered a resounding and convicting, yes!! My life was nothing I thought it would be. I had a fairly “normal” although at times rocky childhood and was raised by my step-dad and mom and had a brother and sister and lived in the suburbs. I went to college, married my high school sweetheart and was a stay-at-home-mom, mostly by choice.  Over the last 5 years or so it felt like I was just going through the motions of life and I was becoming full of discontentment, not only with myself, but also with God. Despite the blessings of 3 beautiful and healthy children and despite the enormous gift and blessing of having my husband cured from cancer, there was a HUGE battle of discontentment taking place in my heart.

 

When I was in college, I was an A+ list maker. I would sit down and make lists of all the things I wanted to accomplish. I was highly ambitious, goal-oriented, very independent and confident. However, years later, that list became like a 2-ton gorilla on my back. The list mocked me and, in my eyes, defined my worth. Barely one thing on the list had become a reality, and I was consumed with who I was not and considered myself a loser. Obviously in my mind, my plans were not God’s plans. Instead, God’s plans for my life included infertility, twice, a heart breaking miscarriage, my husband being diagnosed with Leukemia when our first son was born, 2 years of cancer treatment for my husband, constant financial hardships and near bankruptcy, constant health issues and many surgeries for my middle son, constant health issues for me as well as surgeries, a professional rejection, the special needs and learning disability of my middle son, the death of my beloved mother-in-law from cancer, diagnosis of cancer for my mother, a strained relationship with my mother, gaining over 125 lbs and an inability to lose the weight, then when I was 35, I learned my father was bi-polar and committed suicide. My father was never talked about when I was growing up and I’d hoped maybe he was still alive and that maybe someday I would meet him. I never called a man Dad or Daddy but I call my Father God, Abba Daddy. He has loved me and made me whole and I am thankful that this broken place He has been healed and mended.

 

Obviously, I was extremely battle weary from one trial after the next. I looked around at others who seemed to have thin bodies and “easy lives” and longed for what I perceived as their “trial-free” life. However, we all know the trial-free, easy life is just a myth but I had convinced myself that I was the only one going through all this stuff. Even though John 16:33 says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” It felt like I was getting ALL the world’s trouble. I’m joking of course but sadly, I was so self-focused and self-absorbed, that it’s not too far from the truth. Clearly, there was a Spiritual battle happening. It’s like I was Rocky Balboa. I was bruised and bloody and I kept getting sent back into the ring to fight but I was just too exhausted and there was no chance I could win. I had trained well but after one too many sucker punches to the face, I was giving up. In the book Breaking Free, Beth Moore recommends one rule of thumb to achieving victory, she says, “Starve the flesh and feed the Spirit” but I was doing the exact opposite! I was feeding my flesh with self-pity and starving the Spirit and my dome was sure!!! I was fighting this Spiritual battle with “woe is me” and “why God?” or “You’re not enough God and I can’t trust You anymore.” Wow, was I in the pit of hopelessness, discouragement and self-entitlement!!! Thankfully, God lead me to this FOCUS study and Nancy Guthrie says “The book of Hebrews is an appeal for endurance in spite of difficulty, perseverance in the face of disappointment.” So clearly, this bible study came at the most perfect time in my life. Also at this time, God lead me to another book to use on my own along with the FOCUS Bible Study book.

 

In His perfect timing, He led me to the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Through her book, God showed me how my weak shallow faith and discontentment were all connected to an ungrateful and self-centered heart attitude. Ann writes, “When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows….The clouds open when we mouth thanks….Something always comes to fill the empty places. And when I give thanks for the seemingly microscopic, I make a place for God to grow within me.” So through the FOCUS study and the Ann Voskamp book, God revealed I was constantly wrestling with discontentment because I had an ungrateful heart attitude and I had made all those “things” on my list and even my constant frustration with losing or not losing weight, the top priority and more important than anything else. I love Jesus. I love God’s Word but I wasn’t truly treasuring Jesus. I was treasuring status. I was treasuring success. I was treasuring my abilities. I was treasuring weight loss and seeking my worth and value in all these things but I wasn’t truly, deeply, lavishly drinking from the well that will never run dry and treasuring Jesus Christ my Savior. I had been in bible study for years and I was a strong Christian and in years past, I had experienced areas of wonderful growth but at THIS particular time in my Christian journey, I wasn’t in the Word nor was I praying. I had isolated myself from my friends and I was a battle-weary Christian who was seriously discouraged and stuck in a desert wasteland. I was dry, empty and unsatisfied.

So, things hadn’t turned out the way I wanted and even more specifically, I hadn’t turned out the way I wanted. My extra weight had become a HUGE burden and an area of constant defeat. The weight and my inability to lose the weight hindered my Christian walk, affected my self-worth and held me captive in many ways. And it wasn’t all about being dissatisfied with my reflection in a mirror or the number on a scale. I knew I had an unhealthy relationship with food and the extra weight left me mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted. It was as if I was living in a spiritual prison and I knew God wanted to give me freedom over this weakness and victory over this idol. So finally, after years of consistently making the right choices and breaking toxic thought processes, I am slowly getting closer to my goal. This part of my freedom story hasn’t been easy or quick but it has been worth every pound gained and every pound lost. Through my weight loss struggle, I am stronger, not because I found my strength in a dress size or in a number on a scale but because I finally released the struggle and fully trust in the work of the Refiner's fire and the Love of my Savior to change me from the INSIDE OUT. No matter what I may look like, He calls me cherished, valued, redeemed and loved and I know the "before and after" of my soul is what concerns God and whatever that process may look like or require, I can say, “Lord, I am willing.” 

So now back to the hoping for something better - even though I had been through one trial after another and was seriously discouraged, I knew deep down what my soul was longing for but I was neglecting my soul. But Jesus was about to bless my socks off and show me the “something better” I had been hoping for wasn’t a job title, or a huge bank account or a gorgeous slim body (although I will continue to eat and be healthier), but HE was and is the “something better” and all that I was hoping for and longing for. Through this journey, He was refocusing my vison on Him and reminding me that He is all I need and He is the One who fills every void. I had been neglecting my relationship with Him but He was calling me back to Himself; His radical, extravagant grace was bringing me back to forgive my sins and flaws and begin a new work. Jesus is the only One Who can fill the emptiness and restore my joy. Jesus is my true treasure and I know He has the better plan. The chains of discontentment and an ungrateful heart have been broken and I now accept and embrace each trial and victory with thankfulness as Jesus’ plan and will for my life. I no longer want my way. I no longer lament any part of my story and I find my worth and identity in who HE says I am and desire for His glory to be displayed in my life. He has freed me from my “list” and selfishly wanting my way and as Ann Voskamp beautifully says, “apparent failures can be the way your Father births a successful faith.” Therefore, I will accept future trials and apparent failures as His way of birthing a new work and I will faithfully look to Jesus as I walk forward into the future, holding tightly to the faith lessons I’ve learned over the last 2 years.

 

 And before I move on to my last section, I would like to briefly mention my relationship with my mother. A few years ago, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer that had metastasized to both her lungs. The type of cancer she has is rare and is slow-growing and most likely; she will be on chemotherapy for the rest of her life. During the past few years, God has grown us closer together and He has softened my heart towards my mother and any wounds from our relationship have been healed through complete forgiveness. I had struggled for years with forgiving her or anyone who had deeply wounded or wronged me, whether family members, friends or even church members but I believe as Jesus works in our hearts and reveals to us our personal hindrances to the abundant life, He will stir in us a desire for complete healing and reconciliation in all areas of our life. I am so grateful God has given us both the gift of more time together and for the gift of healing our relationship.

 

And now for the last part of my testimony that I never anticipated; how suffering sets you free.  During the last 5 months, God has used pain and suffering to drive me to the foot of the Cross where I have experienced God’s all sufficient and sustaining grace, even on my darkest and most difficult of days. He has taught me to treasure the trial and through this journey I have found the words written by Tuillian Tchividjian to be completely true “Pain and suffering loosen our grip on this temporal life. Deeper suffering can lead to deeper surrender.” Therefore, I have entitled this last section “Satisfied to suffer with my Savior.” I am hesitant to write about my experience with my recent pain and suffering because I am so acutely aware and sensitive about the wide spread suffering of others. I have walked through cancer with my husband, mother in law, several dear friends and now my own mother. I lived on the 8^th floor of the oncology ward for a month when my husband was so gravely ill with leukemia and roamed the halls with my precious babe in my arms and I’ve looked deeply and compassionately into the eyes of those who were hopeless and crushed in spirit. I know my pain and suffering is not that of a cancer patient, however, I do know the pain and suffering I have experienced over the last 5 months, has taken me to the end of myself but to the absolute fullness of God.

How it all began. March 22, 2015 was my oldest son’s 15^th birthday and that morning I awoke with an intense pain at the back of my head. I also had some visual issues, ringing in my ear and vertigo. I took some medicine and continued with the day. Three days later, I would go to a Doctor’s Care. Immediately, the Dr insisted I go to the ER for a CT Scan. On Day 5 of the headache, I went to my Internist. She prescribed Topomax, an antibiotic for an ear infection and flexiril for increasingly tightening neck muscles. Finally on day 10 the headache vanished! Except now I was left with an inability to move my neck, intense shoulder and shoulder blade pain and on and on. So I went to my chiropractor and after 6 adjustments, I felt like a new woman! There was no pain anywhere and we even planned and successfully traveled to see some dear friends up in Ohio. Then on April 29^th, the migraine returned and except for a few hours of near zero pain on June 30^th, I have had this throbbing, pulsating, stabbing, radiating pain at the base of my head that spreads into my ear and over my head and into my temple for a total of 78* days. Every waking moment, the pain is there. I breath it is there.

 

Despite prescription pain medication and migraine meds, there is never a time I do not feel this pain. I have been to the ER twice, had 4 MRI’s, 2 CT Scans, 10 shots to my head, multiple doctor appointments, including a neurosurgeon and a neurologist, 10 chiropractic adjustments, and lots of shots for pain. I’m on more medication than my mother and she has cancer. I’ve officially been diagnosed with occipital neuralgia and my Dr is hopeful Botox injections will help me but He also says there is no guarantee. I’ve had many people look at me in disbelief to discover I am currently going through this type of chronic migraine (I blame it on the weight loss, haha) and that is simply because the pain has various levels of pain on different days. On the level 1-2 days, it’s like a party day. On the level 3-4 days, I grin and bear it and am able to do most of what I need and want to do. Then there are the level 5-6 days that kind of just make me want to withdrawal from the world and hang out at the house. Then there are the level 7-8 days that put me flat out in the bed. I do nothing. Everything hurts and life goes on without me. And then there are the level 9+ days and they are rare and beyond the worst. Several times I’ve ended up at the ER or at a Doctor’s office begging to receive shots or IV pain medication. Several of those level 9+ days have happened several days in a row when my husband was traveling and working late and I had no one to help with my children (and I am really bad about asking for help) – this happened on days 44 and 45. Trust me when I say, and some of you know this all too well, but chronic pain will drive you to the “edge of the ledge” and on day 45, this is exactly what happened to me.

 

It was around 2:30pm. I sent my best friend (who could not be here tonight, a text) She was always sending me texts of encouragement but that afternoon, I texted her that I couldn’t handle the pain anymore and all I had was this useless, pain filled life. She texted back that she was praying for me. A few hours later, around 9:00pm, with Andy still not home from traveling, I texted my precious friend again. I would like to keep the contents of that text confidential but within a few minutes, my dearest friend was on the phone praying with me and pouring truth filled scripture into my dark places. Normally, when I was feeling overwhelmed with pain I would saturate my mind with God’s Word and listen to uplifting and worshipful music, but this time I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t read the Word. I couldn’t listen to my music. The pain had taken over and it was all consuming. But my kindred friend, prayed for me when I could barely utter a sound. Her prayer went on and on and she prayed away the dark and the Light flooded in. The pain was still present but I could see my Savior suffering for and with me. Ann Voskamp says, “No matter how bad things get, no matter how black the dark seeps in, no matter the depths of the night – the dark can never travel as fast as Light. The Light is always there first waiting to shatter the dark” That night, the Light shattered the dark and I was brought to my knees in total and full surrender through my suffering.

That night I lived out the words in Psalm 107 – “They cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away the chains.” As never before at any other time in my life, I had come to the “edge of the ledge” but instead of throwing my life away because of the pain and suffering, I fell to the ground in worship and in full surrender in the midst of the pain and at the end of myself, was the beginning of God the chains of self-reliance and self-dependence were shattered!!!

 

Pastor Scotty Smith says that, “God will use pain in our lives to make us cry uncle so that we might cry Father. At first this doesn’t seem like an encouraging message but this is actually the radical goodness of a God who is not interested in a better you, but a NEW you. Often, as I shared earlier, our defeats and suffering can leave us hard and embittered, rather than teachable, surrendered and free but because of His grace, I fought hard through the pain to grasp the hem of His garment and I sat daily at His feet to soak up the promises and truth of His Word, EVEN on those days I didn’t FEEL like it. Through it all, God gave me countless blessings from His Word but one of the most precious verses is from 2 Cor 4:16-18 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” The past 5 months have radically changed my Christian walk and my heart’s condition like no other trial I have ever experienced – EVER. I have tasted and experienced the overwhelming goodness and full radiance of God. I am more in love with God’s Word. I am fully and completely surrendered to His plans. I am more in love with Jesus than ever before and KNOW that HE is ENOUGH. The Cross is ENOUGH. He didn’t just suffer for me, He suffers WITH me. I have more joy a fresh perspective on everything. I am passionately committed to having my life count for HIM and pray my life will always display the supreme worth of Jesus Christ. As of today, God hasn’t set me free from the pain BUT He has set me free THROUGH the pain and I know this pain and suffering has accomplished something in me that nothing else I’ve gone through before could have done.

We know the words of Phil 1:6 are absolute truth, “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” apparently God had a lot of heart renovating work to do but I know He is still writing my story and the mosaic of grace upon my life will continue. And to use one final quote from, Tullian Tchividjian, “God does not get things done in the world by merely adding a new coat of paint; He brings the house down to the foundation so He can build something new.” And God says “Behold I make all things new”…and even out of suffering, pain or maybe even from the deepest pit of depression or from the chains of addiction, betrayal, abuse or unforgiveness, God is writing your story and “in all these things we are more than conquerors” because of Jesus Christ and HE has given us the power tools to break and shatter any chain that holds you. Jesus came to set the captives free and HE can birth something beautiful out of any situation. And to quote Elizabeth Elliott- "of one thing I am perfectly sure- God's story never ends in ashes."

 

Lessons from Rainy Day Cupcakes

"...for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him."

Matthew 6:8

This morning as I was packing up the van to take Davis' birthday cupcakes to school, stress was filling my mind because it was POURING down rain. Not sprinkling or even a good soaking. This was a deluge like the kind Noah probably experiened. Concerned about getting drenched and the cupcakes soppy, I began making a plan in my head about how to unload the cupcakes along with my almost 2 yr old, Josh and his stroller. As I pulled out of my neighborhood the rain was beating down and I said a quick and simple prayer,"God if you could just make the rain stop long enough for me to do this cupcake thing, I would be so thankful." I begin the 10 minute drive along with the pounding rain and halfway to the school, the rain was still falling hard. However, a few minutes later as I approached the interstate exit for my son's school, suddenly there was hardly a drop and the skies became clear and bright. My mouth dropped open in awe because the change was so unexpected and at exactly the right moment and with the Newsboys song, "My God's Not Dead" playing in the background, I even got a little emotional....because I know, MY GOD'S NOT DEAD, HE'S SURELY ALIVE!! Without a doubt and immediately in that moment, I knew God had ordered my morning so that I would leave exactly when I did and He even knew I would pray that prayer and yes, He even caused those enormous cat and dog drops to stop long enough for me to unload my van and get into the school with barely a drop. Ironically, once I was in the school, the hard rain would begin again and 30 minutes later as if on cue when I needed to pack up to leave, the heavy rain would stop and I would be able to load up and arrive home, dry and blessed.

In that cupcake experiene, God had an old lesson, made new for me and I desperately needed this reminder. He IS an initmate, personal God who cares for even the simpliest details of our lives. He's a living, active God and 100% in control of ALL things. I do not believe He sits on the sidelines, passive and unconcerned or that He EVER in any way forgets about the needs of His children. Even if we think God is ignoring our prayers or has forsaken us, remember this truth: in His perceived absence, He is ever present and always working all situations for our good and His glory. God wants us to surrender not just the big things, but even the little things to HIM. Give it to HIM and watch HIM work. He may work in a matter of minutes, as with my rainy day cupcakes or He may work out a situation over a period of weeks, months or many years but never give into doubt - He IS always working and His timing IS always perfect and the finished work will leave you in awe. I know this truth but sometimes...many times, the static of my life drowns out His voice and prevents me from being on the right "God station" to hear and live out this knowledge and this personal promise straight from His Word. He said, "never will I leave you or forsake you". The word is NEVER! Meaning He is ALWAYS there. We may FEEL forgotten but it is just a feeling and not a fact. God is never absent. He is always there and He is always aware of our struggles, triumphs, prayers from a cross and even prayers made about cupcakes.

Lord, I praise You as the One True God, who is Faithful and Sovereign over all things. You are a Roaring Lion and Consuming Fire and You are active and ALIVE! Thank You God for knowing us so deeply and for caring about the simpliest detail of our lives. Thank You for hearing our prayers and knowing our needs before we even ask. Thank You for the truth found in Your Word. Thank You for never giving up on us or forsaking us. Forgive us for believing in the lie of self sufficiency and for depending on our own strength. Help us to tune our lives to Your station and align our thoughts with Your thoughts. May we always seek to know You the way You so personally know us.

Deut 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Heb 4:15
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.

Gen 16:13
She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me, ” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.

Ps 27:8
My heart says of you, “Seek his face!” Your face, LORD, I will seek.

I AM Immanuel - God with YOU. Your pursuit of Me is actually a response to My ardent pursuit of you. You don't have to batten down doors between us. Rather, as you open the door of your heart to Me, you find Me gloriously present - having already thrown open My door to you!

I want you to realize how utterly safe you are - in My perfect Love. You understand that the strength of your love is insufficient to keep you connected with Me. You know you cannot rely on your own faithfulness. That's why you must depend on my unfailing provision.

Book of Matthew Devotional by Sarah Young, Jesus Calling

A Day to Remember

"And the God of all grace,
who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,
after you have suffered a little while,
will himself restore you
and make you strong, firm and steadfast."
1 Peter 5:10

It began with headaches, night sweats, fatigue and a rash. All four condidtions could be explained but never at any point did we think these symptoms were the cause of a serious illness...or even worse, cancer. Never, never, never! We had just had our first born son; that would explain the fatigue and headaches from lack of sleep. It was an unusually warm spring; that takes care of the night sweats. Andy had recently applied lawn fertilizer with a spreader that happen to spray the fertilzer all over his lower legs; that would explain away the "rash". Each symptom could be explained. Each symptom could be tolerated. Each symptom could be managed; that is, until Tuesday, May 16th, 2000. On this day, a new symptom that appeared a few days earlier could no longer be ignored nor could it be explained. On this day, everything changed. On this day, May 16th, my husband and I would discover how something that we thought wasn't even a possibility, could become our consuming reality.

Tuesday, May 16th, I awoke to the words, "I have to go to the doctor". Words spoken by my husband and words spoken in pain and with urgency. These were words, after a restless night of sleeping from due to gallbladder surgery, that I didn't fully understand, however, coming from my husband Andy, I knew these were serious words. Andy never went to the doctor for anything. In the 6 years we had been married, Andy had only been to the doctor once to have his wisdom teeth removed. He seemed impervious to every illness and was the healthiest person I knew. Even though I brought home every cough and cold from the students at my school, somehow, he was immune to everything and never got sick.....but now, he had an excruciating pain in his side and things were very different. The mysterious pain began 4 days earlier the morning of my gallbladder surgery. After days of caring for me and bravely trying to tolerate the discomfort, the searing pain finally proved to be too much and on the morning of May 16th, God directed Andy’s steps into the capable care of Dr. Peter Stahl.

Thankfully, Andy was able to get a morning appointment and after an exam, x-rays and the results of Andy’s blood work, Dr. Stahl immediately sent Andy to Dr. Leland McElveen. After his appointment with Dr. Stahl, Andy quickly came home to tell me about his appointment and said he was now going downtown to see a hematologist/oncologist. Ignorance truly is bliss because although I was extremely concerned, I didn’t panic simply because I didn't even know what those words meant or implied. Soon after Andy left for his appointment, I called my sister, the nurse. I told her about Andy’s earlier appointment and that he was now being sent to an oncologist. After those words, an awkward, uneasy silence hung in the air and my sister was unusually somber and quiet. She knew exactly what those words meant and she knew exactly what they implied, however, she told me just enough to give me information but not enough to make me "flip out". To this day, I am so thankful for her wisdom. She told me a hematologist/oncologist was a "blood doctor" who typically treated cancers like leukemia. "He doesn’t have leukemia", I said, "he has a pain in his side...what does that have to do with leukemia....?" Immediately, I dismissed the connection, however, in the next several hours and days, we would learn how seemingly unrelated signs and symptoms could all add up to the same unavoidable conclusion.

That afternoon, time passed by slowly. My last conversation with Andy had been over 3 hours earlier and my fear and anxiety began to swell. Why hadn’t he called? What was going on? My mind was spinning out of control. I tried to convince myself that, "no news is good news and if something was wrong, he would’ve called". Even still and despite my pep talk, I could not ignore the sinking feeling deep down and I knew I needed to prepare myself for the truth. Accustomed to self sufficiency and independence, I did everything I could to preoccupy my thoughts and busy my hands....I constantly called Andy’s cell phone, I repeatedly checked our phone to make sure it wasn’t off the hook, I folded clothes, I cleaned house, and even took baby Andrew for a brief walk, but sadly, praying and surrendering my burden to the Lord, at that time, was the furthest thing from my mind. Unable to handle the waiting and worry, I picked up my keys, instead of picking up my Bible, and headed to the grocery store.

After the distraction of our shopping trip, I loaded up the car and headed back home. When we arrived home my eyes became fixed on my husband standing in the driveway. Once I saw him, my heart began to race. He looked pale and depleted. His strong confident frame looked weak and frail. I quickly got out of the car and my questions began..."What’s wrong?" I asked over and over. Instead of an answer, Andy, clearly in pain, replied "Let’s get the groceries and go inside. I’ll tell you then". I reluctantly agreed and once the bags and the baby were all unloaded, a rush of emotions took over and I began to cry, "What is it? Tell me, tell me!!!" And then, in a moment of calm desperation he spoke one word, "leukemia". I was instantly a puddle of tears and a wash of emotions. Leukemia? What's leukemia? With that one word, the puzzle was solved and life as we knew it changed in an instant. Our journey with cancer had begun.

May 16 was a day to remember and now, it's also a day I am very grateful for. Were I to live my life over, I would chose this trial, hands down, again and again. However, I would never choose it again for my husband. He was the patient and suffered and struggled greatly and I was only a helpless spectator. He endured countless bags of toxic chemotherapy, several blood transfusions, numerous painful bone marrow aspirations, surgeries, endless sizes and shapes of needles put here, there and everywhere. Even on the day he was diagnosed and after being told by Dr. McElveen to go to the hospital and be admitted, he willingly chose to endure a bone marrow biopsy without the aid of pain medication because he wanted to be able to drive home and tell me he had cancer in person. Even days after he was diagnosed and admitted, we found out that the source of Andy's side pain was coming from a cracked spleen and he was bleeding internally. Even a simple sneeze could have caused a brain hemorrhage and ended his life.

Thankfully, Andy is a long way away from being a newly diagnosed leukemia patient. Today, he is not only healthy and well but in 2005, he was told he was CURED! With that news, our hearts were overwhelmed with God's mercy and goodness and we will always rejoice and praise God for graciously protecting and sparing Andy's life. We came out on the other side of a devastating diagnosis and trial as witnesses to God's healing power. We saw His hand at work in so many tangible ways but we also recognize that He works in an unseen, intangible realm and in ways we will never fully know and understand this side of heaven. Today, even though the cancer may be gone, the memory of the experience stays with us but also the treasures from the trial remains with us too.

This journey was painful, heartbreaking, stressful, scary and overwhelming but ironically and eventually in the midst of the journey, I found abundant blessings and my faith and my trust in the God who made and reclaimed me, was radically transformed. On that day and in the days following Andy's diagnosis, God exposed what I didn't want to see, but what I desperately needed to acknowledge - my immature Christian walk and my mediocre faith. In her book "Breaking Free" author and bible teacher, Beth Moore writes, "The deeper you and I are rooted in the unfailing love of God, the less we sway when the winds of life blow harshly." I loved God and I kind of knew He loved me but I wasn't fully ROOTED and established in that love. In that one moment, when the harsh winds blew, I swayed violently and my shallow roots and crumbling foundation were revealed. I had become a complacent and comfy Christian. God knew I was merely going through the motions and neglecting my relationship with my first love. Despite the fact that I had given my life to Him years earlier, I was still calling the shots, and only keeping God on the side as a part-time consultant. For me, He was a God of convenience, and obviously, that wasn't enough.  I wasn't growing, I wasn't trusting and I wasn't following.  Even still, God wanted me back, the hound of heaven was calling me back. God spoke to my heart that He didn't just want to be my God but He was longing to be my Daddy, my Abba Father. Even though I wasn't the person with the physical cancer, I was the person with the spiritual cancer and God was now going to use this trial as His way of refining and restoring me into the godly woman He created me to be.

In the cancer, and despite the "blowing winds" of my doubts and fears, I came face to face with a God who is faithful, loving, compassionate, powerful, merciful, gracious, dependable, trustworthy, patient and forgiving and I know, that I know, that I know! He is a trusted companion and His promises aren't just for others but they are for me...they are for you. He IS faithful and we can trust that whatever He brings us to, He will get us through. He is continually redeeming all things to Himself and we can be confident that every trial and tear will be used for our greater good and for the purpose of restoring and transforming us into His likeness and for His glory. In Philippians the Apostle Paul writes, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus". He truly loves us too much to leave us as we are and as I discovered, He will use whatever method necessary to captivate and change our hearts. There may be pain and there may be loss but at all times, His is loving and in all ways, He is faithful.

Before my husband's cancer, my view of God was small and limited and my Christian walk was shallow, weak and conditional. Now, 13 years later, I have emerged from the trial with a new vision of His greatness and my faith and my love for my Abba Daddy, has totally been transformed. And it all began on a day I never want to forget and with the word, " leukemia".

"...but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him." John 9:3b

Leukemia and the Love Song

"I will proclaim the name of the Lord.

Oh, praise the greatness of our God!

He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just.
A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he."
Deuteronomy 32:3-4

He began with the words, "You really should sit down." My response was, "No! Tell me what’s wrong! The look on his face said it all without him saying a word and I was instantly a puddle of tears and a wash of emotions. I was not prepared to hear the word "Leukemia". I didn’t even know how to spell it...and I wasn’t exactly sure of what it was. The only response I could utter was "no, I love you too much, no.!" I was obviously not the strong tower my husband needed me to be. All I could do was ask, why? Why, after 3 years of struggling with infertility. Why, 6 weeks after the birth of our newborn son. Why, 4 days after major surgery....why? Hadn’t we been through enough.j? Why couldn’t we just enjoy our new baby and be happy, why God? At that moment, I immediately questioned God’s goodness and love. My spirit was wounded and my faith was weak. I felt forsaken and hopeless. I didn’t want to pray and I didn’t want God. As hard as it was to hear, the word Leukemia, was now a part of our vocabulary and everyday existence.

Later that same night, we packed up all of our things and with baby Andrew, headed to Baptist Hospital. Ironically, days earlier, I had been the one in the hospital having gall bladder surgery. I was the one always sick and Andy was always healthy. During my recovery from surgery, Andy took care of all my needs, including helping me sit and stand. Because of this, He would develop an intense, unexplained sharp pain in his side. Eventually, the severe pain would send him to the doctor and then one afternoon, he would be told, in the office of a stranger, he had Leukemia. Sadly, he would also endure the excruciating pain of a bone marrow biopsy without the benefit of pain killers or sedation because he wanted to drive home and tell me the news of his cancer face to face.

After our midnight arrival to the hospital, the reality of all that was happening began to hit me like a brick wall. I didn’t want any part of this journey but I also didn’t want to leave my husband. I was paralyzed with fear but also motivated by love. As we stepped onto the 8th floor, Andy was quickly taken to the cold, sterile surroundings of his hospital room. As soon as we arrived, the hospital staff quickly sprang into action. As each person came into the room, I became increasingly overwhelmed with a crippling anxiety that was raging in my soul and fueling my tears. Charles Spurgeon once wrote, "Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of it’s sorrows but only empties today of it’s strength." Strength was nowhere to be found. My constant sorrow was all I could see. My constant grief and the fear of possibly losing my husband, was all I could think and feel. I was in a deep dark fog of confusion and was quickly losing my ability to cope. I was blinded by my emotions and was already believing all hope was lost.

And so just like that, in the course of 24 hours, everything in our lives had changed. We’d gone from the joy of having our first son to the grief and panic of not knowing if my husband would ever see his son grow up. I stood before God and accused Him of being unfair, unloving and unconcerned with our situation. In the crisis my faith turned to fear and I doubted God  and every promise He had given. I was truly like Job and stood pointing my finger, until one night, God sat with me in my sorrow and hushed my accusations. On this particular night everything was unusually calm. On previous nights, Andy’s room was constantly filled with hospital staff, as well as friends and family. However, on this night, everyone seemed to be somewhere else. Our friends and family had left and even baby Andrew was enjoying a change of scenery and spending the night with grandparents’. Andy was taking a nap and for the first time, the room was calm and strangely quiet. Then in the stillness, I began calling out to God.

My body was weak from striving and very little sleep and my eyes were weary from the flood of tears and yet, I was thirsty and desperate to hear from God. I reached for my Bible and began to search and seek the Lord. In that moment, I was finally able to emerge from the smog of self pity and clearly see my Savior with renewed vision and sight. Tim Keller says, “Job never saw why he suffered, but he saw God and that was enough. That night Jesus showed me He was sufficiently enough. As He turned my eyes off our circumstances and back to His promises it became neon light clear - my gracious and loving Father had NOT abandoned me, Andy or my family! To the contrary! In each and every situation He was revealing His faithful provisions and lavish love for us. He want sending us into a storm without resources or protection. He was going into the storm WITH us and in that storm and through every procedure, every need, every fear, every doubt, every testing, He would be revealing every trustworthy attribute of His character. Finally,, He opened me eyes and I realized He was always there.. Even in the moment of my deepest despair, when I was weeping, so was He. He was the calm in my husband’s heart when he heard the word, "Leukemia" and when I couldn’t pray, He was interceding for us with moans and groans.  That night my Savior, motivated out of His deep love and compassion, sang to me a beautiful love song. His sweet melodies reminded me of His extravagant love and faithfulness. They confirmed His grace and mercy and they filled and renewed me with His peace and presence. Although, I felt shame and guilt for my lack of trust and failure of faith, He offered forgiveness and understanding. Then in the peace, His truths washed over me and I began to sing with conviction the words to the song "Do I Trust You" by Twila Paris.

"Sometimes my little heart can’t understand,

what’s in your will, what’s in your plan.
So many times I’m tempted to ask you why.

But I can never forget it for long,
Lord what you do, could not be wrong.

So I believe you, even when I must cry..."

From that moment on, I began to see God’s strong and sovereign hand guiding each and every situation of my husband’s cancer treatment and eventual cure. No longer did I question, why me, or why Andy? But rather, why not me...why not us? I had experienced God's never-ending grace and if the only thing He ever did for me or my husband was to die on a cross, I knew it would be enough, His grace would be enough. Jesus is enough. In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 it says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." The God of the universe sacrificed His Son so that I might live and have eternal life - so that you might live and have eternal life. This is such amazing and selfless Love and such undeserved and abundant Mercy!

This Leukemia journey was not a welcomed journey but it was a necessary one. I know whatever He calls me to go through will be used for a greater good and for the purpose of transforming me into his likeness. No matter the trial, I know each and every moment will be seen and orchestrated by my loving and gracious, Abba Father and He will use whatever means necessary to radically change and captivate my heart. At all times, His strength will be sufficient for the journey and ultimately, through and despite my weaknesses, the Lord Jesus Christ will be high and lifted up. May every trail and triumph bring Him glory and testify to the world that HE is a good God worthy of honor and praise! He is the gentle healer and does ALL THINGS WELL!  Before my husband's cancer, my view of God was small and my love for Him limited and conditional. Now, almost  13 years later, He has given me a new vision of His greatness and my walk and love for Him has been competely transformed. And it all began, with the sweet melody of a love song and with the word, "leukemia".

The S.I.M.P.L.E Life - Part 1

The S.I.M.P.L.E. Life - Part 1, Stillness
By Rebecca Busbee

"Now devote your heart and soul to seeking the Lord your God."
1 Chronicles 22:19a

"Tis the gift to be simple tis the gift to be free, tis the gift to come down where we ought to be, and when we find ourselves in the place just right, ‘Twill be in the valley of love and delight.’"

—A Shaker Song

I love the mountains. Before my husband and I had children, we took several trips each year to the Great Smoky Mountains. Often we went with no agenda, other than to escape from the world, enjoy each other’s company and gaze at the beauty of God’s creation. We unplugged from life’s hectic pace and enjoyed God’s simple pleasures as we reveled in our new found freedom and peace.

Now that we have children, we have passed on our love for the mountains to them. Our oldest son, Andrew, is a nature nut. He loves it all—camping, hiking, fishing, birding and most of all, he loves God’s beauty.

This summer we took our first week-long family vacation to the mountains. The first three days were spent in the rustic serenity of a cabin at Table Rock State Park. There was no television, radio or phone—just a cozy cabin, the sounds of nature and breathtaking views. We hiked, biked and boated. Things were simple and uncomplicated, my mind was clear, and my heart was calm.
The last couple days of our trip were spent in the "glitz and glam" of Pigeon Forge, TN. Upon arrival, I experienced sensory overload! The boys were thrilled with the sights and sounds and their excitement was joyously unrestrained. However, things suddenly became very complicated. We had an enormous stack of sightseeing brochures but lacked a well-thought-out plan and youthful delight soon turned into frustration and chaos. Although I wanted the boys to experience as much as we could fit in and afford, I was instantly overwhelmed and secretly wanted to go back to the peaceful simplicity of our cabin in the woods.

This is the same struggle I experience in my personal life. I long for a simple, unsophisticated existence but the everyday "glitz and glam" of my schedule and activities threatens to rob my joy, shake my peace and divert me from the feet of Jesus. Please don’t misunderstand; I am not a do-nothing recluse. I love watching my son play baseball, serving on the PTO board and at my church, and I deeply love ministering to others through music. But if I neglect the simple treasure of seeking God and reading His Word, then I neglect that for which my soul thirsts.

In Psalm 63:1 we read, "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." You and I are thirsty. God tells us He can quench our thirst but instead of going to His well, we often function like the "Peanuts" character, Pigpen. We live in a "cloud of chaos" with our to-dos and commitments swimming around in our heads. Eventually our busyness wears us out and leaves us in a dry and weary place. Jesus is inviting us to escape the confusion so He can be our refuge in the fog. If we intentionally seek to rest at His feet, He promises nourishment for our needy souls. Matthew 11:29-30 says, "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

God wants us to simplify our lives by submitting our plans to Him. In Proverbs 16:3 we read, "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." He knows the length of our lists, but he wants to enable us to live through the transforming power of His Word, and with the peace of his presence. Thankfully, even in our chaos we can start to simplify our lives by re-writing lists, moving God to the top. We must resolve to carve out time to pray and meditate on his Word.

Simplicity was a priority for the Shakers. The "Simple Gifts" lyrics convey it is a GIFT to be simple, and a GIFT to be free, suggesting there is liberating freedom from simplicity. When we seek simplicity and determine to throw off everything that hinders our walk with the Lord, we can enjoy the peace and freedom Christ intended for us.

Do you struggle with busyness? Do you desire a simple, peaceful life? Do you dread the chaos of the upcoming holidays—and the emotional, mental, physical and financial strain it may bring? Do you long for quiet peace and rest for your soul? If you do, I encourage you to seek the One who can provide peace and penetrate the pandemonium.

Use the following S.I.M.P.L.E. steps to guide you on the path of "stillness and simplicity."

S – Seek Jesus daily despite schedules and activities. Seek out time to be with the Lord through prayer and reading the Scriptures.
I – Ignore the television, phone, and email. Occasionally just turn it all off and unplug from the world.
M – Make resting a priority. Resting allows you to tune out the world and experience God’s peace and perspective.
P – Practice praise. Continually recall God’s power, majesty, holiness and sacrifice and offer him praise and thanksgiving. Praising God focuses your eyes on God and off of yourself.
L – Limit your time away from your home and family. Eat together, play together and make it a priority just to be together.
E – Evaluate and eliminate. Decide what is critical and crucial and what may be trivial and unimportant. Spend your time wisely and serve faithfully but never become so committed that you trade feasting on the Word of God for the dry and weary land of the world.

Seeking simplicity in a busy world is not easy. There are many days, I long for the simple solitude of our cabin in the woods. However I know, "The Law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul and the statutes of the Lord are trustworthy." The "glitz and glam" and hectic pace of life is sometimes unavoidable, but if we make sitting at the feet of Jesus our top priority, then we will gain wisdom and peace as we discover the real, true simple life.

The S.I.M.P.L.E Life - Part 2, Christmas

By Rebecca Busbee

I admit it, I’m a girly girl. I don’t like bugs, spiders, snakes or lizards. If it’s cold and slimy, has more than four legs and a forked tongue—I generally scatter, wince and call for my husband. However, there is one exception—frogs. For some reason, I have always loved their happy little, verdant faces.

When I was a child, my favorite amphibian was of course, Kermit the Frog. Although, Kermit was charmingly charismatic, eventually there would be another frog who would become even more cherished. His name was Ferdinand and for most of his existence, he lived perched high upon a shelf in my grandmother’s kitchen. We all loved that frog because of the scrumptious homemade cookies inside the belly of Ferdinand the cookie jar frog!

After my grandmother passed away, Ferdinand’s new home was in my mother’s kitchen on top of her refrigerator. However, one day, his removable head was dropped and shattered. Ferdinand’s new residence became a dark and lonely cardboard box in the garage. Several years later in May of 2000, my husband was diagnosed with Leukemia. During the Christmas of 2001, Andy was still receiving treatments and our medical bills were catastrophic and we decided to keep things simple and save money wherever possible. I am typically known for giving gifts that are unexpected and when I saw that poor frogs fractured head in the box in the garage, I knew I had to rescue Ferdinand and return him to my mom. Eventually, with my husband’s help, Ferdinand’s busted and broken head was restored. When my mother opened Ferdinand Christmas morning, her reaction was priceless. She laughed and cried and then told us the real reason Ferdinand was so special. Many years ago, in the midst of her own personal and financial trials, my mother gave Ferdinand to her mother. Not only does Ferdinand remind her of Grandmother, but he was also a reminder of the adversity she'd overcome. Ferdinand was truly a gift of sacrifice, however, for my mother, he was also a sacrifice that was well worth the cost.

Through my "re-gifting" of Ferdinand, I unexpectedly received a blessing in learning about the trials my mother had experienced. I also discovered that the simplicity of my gift equaled simplicity for our Christmas. Ironically, when I wasn’t consumed with searching for the perfect gift, I was more intentional on focusing on the Savior’s birth. Even though I surely did not desire the financial burden of cancer treatments, I did desire—and still desire—simplicity in my Christmas. And I want to keep the Prince of Peace the central focus of everything I do.

Admittedly, this is easier said than done. Usually, the busyness of the season leaves many of us distracted and depleted until we end up on auto pilot, praying for a miracle to get it all done. Ultimately, the true miracle of that glorious night is often missed and if we aren’t careful, we miss Christmas altogether.

In reference to the birth of Christ, Martin Luther said, "That He sunk himself into our flesh is beyond all human understanding." There is truly no way our finite minds can comprehend how the holy God of the universe, out of love for us, could leave his throne in heaven. And for what purpose? To dwell among us and offer us the gift of salvation and eternal life. Romans 6:23 reads "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." In addition, the popular Christian author, Max Lucado, says "Salvation is God-given, God-driven, God-empowered, and God-originated. The gift is not from man to God, it is from God to man." It was literally the greatest gift ever given and it’s free and irrevocable—now that is amazing love!

When I consider all that He is and all that He willingly did, how could I ever allow the message of Christmas to become just another over-commercialized holiday? Obviously, we know Christmas is about more than giving the perfect gift, baking the perfect cake or taking the perfect picture for our photo card, but somehow all these things seem to receive the majority of our time and energy. However, there are some practical ways we can simplify the season so that Jesus remains the central focus. And, in the process, we will experience the love and peace of Christ.
I encourage you to use the following S.I.M.P.L.E. steps as you seek to honor the Savior’s birth and discover the true joy of the Christmas season.

S — Share Christ’s love through various outreach ministries and acts of giving and service.
I — Isolate the majority of your holiday activities to the first three weeks of the month. Reserve
the week of Christmas as a time to prepare your heart, and fully focus on the Savior’s birth.
M — Make gifts to give and make memories at the same time. Become creative by making or creating a special gift. The recipient will feel more loved and you will feel more joy.
P — Promote proper perspective. Ask, "How is Christ’s birth honored by this activity or
spending decision?"
L — Less can be more. Don’t go overboard with excessive gifts for children. Try to limit them
to three gifts, following the example of the Wise Men.
E — Establish family traditions that focus on celebrating the birth of Christ.

The gift of Jesus is more precious than anything we could ever give and without a doubt the greatest gift we will ever receive. This year remember the lesson of Ferdinand and despite what the world screams, seek ways to simplify your Christmas and ultimately, you will welcome the Christ child in a more meaningful way. After all, He was the greatest Gift of sacrifice. And for the Father, He was well worth the cost.